Tag life

Latest posts for tag life

2017-03-11 18:26:11+01:00

Cartoleria

Oggi ero in cartoleria, una mamma ha chiesto un quaderno.

Per un maschio o per una femmina?

Maschio.

Volevo uccidere tutti.

ita life
2017-03-11 14:11:34+01:00

On the meaning of "we"

Rather than as a word of endearment, I'm starting to see "we" as a word of entitlement.

In some moments of insecurity, I catch myself "wee"-ing over other people, to claim them as mine.

eng life pdo
2017-01-07 14:38:52+01:00

Teamwork

When I saw this video or this video I thought of this article.

When I feel part of a tightly coordinated and synchronized team I feel proud for the achievements of the team as a whole, which I see as bigger than what I could have achieved alone.

I also don't feel at risk of taking bad decisions. I feel less responsible. If I do what I'm told, I can't be blamed for doing the wrong things. I find it relaxing, every once in a while, to not have to be in charge.

I guess this could be part of the allure of a totalitarian regime: being freed from the burden of growing up

Thinking about this, reading those articles about romantic relationships, I see quite a bit of parallels also with organising cooperation and teamwork.

It looks like I ended up making parallels between Polyamory, Anarchism, and Free Software again. If you think there should traditionally be also a mention of BDSM, go back to "I find it relaxing, every once in a while, to not have to be in charge".

debian eng life pdo
2016-09-10 09:47:03+02:00

Dreaming of being picked

From "Stop stealing dreams":

«Settling for the not-particularly uplifting dream of a boring, steady job isn’t helpful. Dreaming of being picked — picked to be on TV or picked to play on a team or picked to be lucky — isn’t helpful either. We waste our time and the time of our students when we set them up with pipe dreams that don’t empower them to adapt (or better yet, lead) when the world doesn’t work out as they hope.

The dreams we need are self-reliant dreams. We need dreams based not on what is but on what might be. We need students who can learn how to learn, who can discover how to push themselves and are generous enough and honest enough to engage with the outside world to make those dreams happen.»

This made me think that I know many hero stories based on "the chosen", like Matrix, like most superheros getting powers either from some entity chosing them for it, or from chance.

I have a hard time thinking of a superhero who becomes one just by working hard at acquiring and honing their skills: I can only think of Batman and Ironman, and they start off as super rich.

If I think of people who start from scratch as commoners and work hard to become exceptional, in the standard superhero narrative, I can only think of supervillains.

Scary.

It makes me feel culturally biased into thinking that a common person cannot be trusted to act responsibly, and that only the rich, the chosen and the aristocrats can.

As a bias it may serve the rich and the aristocrats, but I don't think it serves society as a whole.

eng life pdo
2016-06-07 12:43:45+02:00

You'll thank me later

I agree with this post by Matthew Garrett.

I am quite convinced that most of the communities that I have known are vulnerable to people who are good manipulators of people.

Also, in my experience, manipulation by negating, pushing, or reframing the boundaries of people tends not to be recognised as manipulation, let alone abusive behaviour.

It's not about physically forcing people to do things that they don't want to do. It's about pushing people, again and again, wearing them out, making them feel like, despite their actual needs and wants, saying "yes" to you is the only viable way out.

It can happen for sex, and it can happen for getting a patch merged. It can happen out of habit. It can happen for pretty much anything.

Consent culture was not part of my education, and it was something I've had to discover for myself. I assume that to be a common experience, and that pushing against boundaries does happen, even without malicious intentions, on a regular basis.

However, it is not ok.

Take insisting. It is not the same as persisting. Persisting is what I do when I advocate for change. Persisting is what I do when the first version of my code segfaults. Insisting is what I do when a person says "no" to me and I don't want to accept it.

Is it ok to insist that a friend, whom you think is sick, goes and gets help?

Is it ok to insist that a friend, whom you think is sexually repressed, pushes through their boundaries to explore their sexuality with you?

In both cases, one may say, or think, trust me, you'll thank me afterwards. In both cases, what if afterwards I have nothing to thank you for?

I see a common pattern in you'll thank me afterwards situations. It can be in good faith, it can be creepy, it can be abusive, and most of the time, what it is, is dangerously unclear to most of the people involved.

I think that in a community like Debian, at the level of personal interaction, Insisting is not ok.

I think that in a community like Debian, at the level of personal interaction, "You'll thank me afterwards" is not ok.

When I say it's not ok I mean that it should not happen. If it happens, people must be free to say "stop". If it doesn't stop, people must expect to be able to easily find support, understanding, and help to make it stop.

Just like when people upload untested packages.

Pushing against personal boundaries of people is not ok, and pushing against personal boundaries does happen. When you get involved in a new community, such as Debian, find out early where, if that happens, you can find support, understanding, and help to make it stop.

If you cannot find any, or if the only thing you can find is people who say "it never happens here", consider whether you really want to be in that community.

debian eng life pdo
2015-08-18 11:48:08+02:00

My semi serious stand up comedy notes

Video

Disclaimers

“Someone has said that it requires less mental effort to condemn than to think.”

(Emma Goldman, on several things including mailing list flamewars)

Fascinating Aïda's "Dogging" song.

Look for "dogging etiquette" for more examples of code of conducts. Just don't take your computer for repair immediately afterwards™.

Introduction

Every daring attempt to make a great change in existing conditions, every lofty vision of new possibilities for the human race, has been labeled Utopian.

(Emma Goldman, on the Debian Social Contract)

I am going to talk about many topics that we all know have so much in common:

They are all, after all:

BDSM

A person is no less a slave because they are allowed to choose a new master once in a term of years.

(Lysander Spooner about proprietary cloud service providers)

If you thought you've seen it all with recursive acronyms, here's a chain acronym: Bondage Discipline, Dominance Submission, Sado Masochism.

Why I think BDSM is interesting: not (just) because of whips, but for having a lot of awareness about power releationships. Why should one accept from a coworker a level of abuse that would be considered a hard limit when negotiating with a trusted dom?

The BDSM Free Software definition: "I refuse to be bound by software I cannot negotiate with".

YKINMKBYKIOK (Your Kink Is Not My Kink But Your Kink Is Okay) is a nice example of dealing with diversity, and it also definitely solves the emacs vs vi debate.

Comfort zones, safewords, traffic light flow control, safety.

"No means no", unless there has been a long discussion first, and a safeword is in place, in which case "Fuzzy purple unicorn" means "no"

"No means no", and if someone insists after a "no", it becomes harassment.

"No means no" is a precondition for being able to say "yes": http://pervocracy.blogspot.de/2011/03/no-and-no-and-no-and-yes.html

Aftercare! Aftercare! Release parties! High fives! Solidarity after flamewars or votes!

Poliamory

If love does not know how to give and take without restrictions, it is not love, but a transaction that never fails to lay stress on a plus and a minus.

(Emma Goldman, on volunteer projects)

Polyamory is the practice, desire, or acceptance of intimate relationships that are not exclusive with respect to other sexual or intimate relationships, with knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

Compersion, n: the feeling you get when someone else also takes good care of one of your packages.

We currently allow only one value in the Maintainer field: takeover is traumatic, because values can only be replaced if values could be added instead, and removed when they don't make sense anymore...

What is your definition of love? My current one is: my world is better with you in it.

Relationship anarchy is the practice of forming relationships which are not bound by rules aside from what the people involved mutually agree on. How do you call a relationship that is bound by rules that the people involved do not agree on?

From discussions after the talk

New Relationship Energy, the excitement when you start to maintain a new package, and the risk of been carried away by the excitement and neglecting all the other ones.

Consent

Anarchism, to me, means not only the denial of authority, not only a new economy, but a revision of the principles of morality. It means the development of the individual as well as the assertion of the individual. It means self-responsibility, and not leader worship.

(Voltairine de Cleyre about trusting lintian warnings)

You need to know what you are doing, and what situation you're putting yourself into.

You need to know that the person asking a question really is able to accept any answer, and take it seriously.

You need to feel that you have alternatives.

Be selfish when you ask, honest when you reply, and when others reply, take them seriously. If any of this doesn't stand, I find it hard to trust that we are in a consensual situation.

When is one supposed to learn about consent?

Consent explained with tea.

Practical advice

Anarchism has but one infallible, unchangeable motto, ‘Freedom.’ Freedom to discover any truth, freedom to develop, to live naturally and fully.

(Lucy Parsons about the DFSG)

Relationship advice and work advice have a lot in common:

Relationship advice from 99 ways to ruin an open source project

Online participation advice from How to Screw Up Your Relationship (and make everyone miserable while you’re at it)

Packaging advice from BDSM Basics: 20 Unsolicited Tips for New Dominants

Advice about joining a new community from Advice to a newbie submissive about dominants

♥ ♥ ♥

Dear Debian, and dear everyone contributing to it: my world is better with you in it.

I love you all :* <3

debian eng life pdo
2015-08-14 12:13:16+02:00

Expectations and needs

All people ever say is: "thank you" (a celebration of life) and "please" (an opportunity to make life more wonderful). (Marshall Rosenberg)

Sometimes, when I see the word "expectation" I try to read it as "need" and see how things change.

I noticed that this tends to reframe situations in a way that makes me feel more comfortable.

I noticed that I tend to instinctively perceive "expectations" as "do this or there will be consequences", and I tend to instinctively perceive "needs" as "do this if you want to see me happy".

I noticed that my motivation to care for someone's expectations tend to be something close to fear, and my motivation to care for someone's needs tends to be something close to love.

This might give me a bit more hints on The art of asking: I will not expect you to do something for me, I'll just allow myself to be loved, liked or helped by you, and I'll try to be open about what I need.

I smile realising that since a long time, on the professional side of my life, I learnt to lead interaction with my customers along the same lines: "let's talk about what you need, not about what you expect of me".

eng life pdo
2015-07-19 18:53:03+02:00

Random quote

Be selfish when you ask, honest when you reply, and when others reply, take them seriously.

(me, late at night)

eng life pdo
2015-05-20 11:35:15+02:00

Love thy neighbor as thyself

‘Love thy neighbor as thyself’, words which astoundingly occur already in the Old Testament.

One can love one’s neighbor less than one loves oneself; one is then the egoist, the racketeer, the capitalist, the bourgeois. and although one may accumulate money and power one does not of necessity have a joyful heart, and the best and most attractive pleasures of the soul are blocked.

Or one can love one’s neighbor more than oneself—then one is a poor devil, full of inferiority complexes, with a longing to love everything and still full of hate and torment towards oneself, living in a hell of which one lays the fire every day anew.

But the equilibrium of love, the capacity to love without being indebted to anyone, is the love of oneself which is not taken away from any other, this love of one’s neighbor which does no harm to the self.

(From Herman Hesse, "My Belief")

I always have a hard time finding this quote on the Internet. Let's fix that.

eng life pdo
2015-03-09 10:58:49+01:00

Free as in Facebook

Yesterday we were in an airport. We tried to connect to the airport "free" wifi. It had a captive portal that asked for a lot of personal information before one could maybe get on the internet, and we gave up. Bologna Airport, no matter what they do to pretend that they like you, it's always clear that they don't.

I looked at the captive portal screen and I said: «ah yes, "free" wifi. Free as in Facebook».

We figured that we had an expression that will want to be reused.

eng life pdo truelite