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Pressure

I've just stumbled on this bit that seems relevant to me:

Insist on using objective criteria

The final step is to use mutually agreed and objective criteria for evaluating the candidate solutions. During this stage they encourage openness and surrender to principle not pressure.

http://www.wikisummaries.org/Getting_to_Yes

I find the concept of "pressure" very relevant, and I like the idea of discussions being guided by content rather than pressure.

I'm exploring the idea of filing under this concept of "pressure" most of the things described in code of conducts, and I'm toying with looking at gender or race issues from the point of view of making people surrender to pressure.

In that context, most code of conducts seem to be giving a partial definition of "pressure". I've been uncomfortable at DebConf this year, because the conference PG12 code of conduct would cause me trouble for talking about what lessons can Debian learn from consent culture in BDSM communities, but it would still allow situations in which people would have to yield to pressure, as long as the pressure was done avoiding the behaviours blacklisted by the CoC.

Pressure could be the phrase "you are wrong" without further explanation, spoken by someone with more reputation than I have in a project. It could be someone with the time for writing ten emails a day discussing with someone with barely the time to write one. It could be someone using elaborate English discussing with someone who needs to look up every other word in a dictionary. It could be just ignoring emails from people who have issues different than mine.

I like the idea of having "please do not use pressure to bring your issues forward" written somewhere, rather than spend time blacklisting all possible ways of pressuring people.

I love how the Diversity Statement is elegantly getting all this where it says: «We welcome contributions from everyone as long as they interact constructively with our community.»

However, I also find it hard not to fall back to using pressure, even just for self-preservation: I have often found myself in the situation of having the responsibility to get a job done, and not having the time or emotional resources to even read the emails I get about the subject. All my life I've seen people in such a situation yell "shut up and let me work!", and I feel a burning thirst for other kinds of role models.

A CoC saying "do not use pressure" would not help me much here, but being around people who do that, learning to notice when and how they do it, and knowing that I could learn from them, that certainly would.

If you can link to examples, I'd like to add them here.

Posted Tue Sep 23 16:18:22 2014 Tags:

Laptop, I demand that you suspend!

Dear Lazyweb,

Sometimes some application prevents suspend on my laptop. I want to disable that feature: how?

I understand that there may exist some people who like that feature. I, on the other hand, consider a scenario like this inconceivable:

  1. I'm on a plane working with my laptop, the captain announces preparations for landing, so I quickly hit the suspend button (or close the lid) on my laptop and stow it away.
  2. One connecting flight later, I pick up my backpack, I feel it unusually hot and realise that my laptop has been on all along, and is now dead from either running out of battery or thermal protection.
  3. I think things that, if spoken aloud in front of a pentacle, might invoke major lovecraftian horrors.

I do not want this scenario to ever be possible. I want my suspend button to suspend the laptop no matter what. If a process does not agree, I'm fine with suspending it anyway, or killing it.

If I want my laptop to suspend, I generally have a good enough real-world reason for it, and I cannot conceive that a software could ever be allowed to override my command.

How do I change this? I don't know if I should look into systemd, upowerd, pm-utils, the kernel, the display manager or something else entirely. I worry that I cannot even figure where to start looking for a solution.

This happened to me multiple times already, and I consider it ridiculous. I know that it can cause me data loss. I know that it can cause me serious trouble in case I was relying on having some battery or state left at my arrival. I know that depending on what is in my backpack, this could also be physically dangerous.

So, what knob do I tweak for this? How do I make suspend reliable?

Update

Systemd has an inhibitor system, and systemd-inhibit --list only lists 'delay' blocks in my system. It is an interesting feature that seems to be implemented in the right way, and it could mean that I finally can get my screen to be locked before the system is suspended.

It is possible to configure the inhibitor system in /etc/systemd/logind.conf, including ways to ignore inhibitors, and a maximum time after which inhibitors are ignored if not yet released.

Try as I might to run everything that I was running on the plane that time, I could not manage to see anything take an inhibitor block that could have prevented my suspend. I now suspect that what happened to me was a glitch caused by something else (hardware? kernel? cosmic rays!) during that specific suspend.

When I had this issue in the past it looks like the infrastructure at the time was far more primitive that what we have now with systemd, so I guess that when writing my blog post I had simply correlated my old experiences with a one-off suspend glitch.

If I want to investigate or tune further, to test the situation with a runaway block, I can use commands like systemd-inhibit --mode=block sleep 3600.

I'm quite happy to see that we're moving to a standard and sane system for this. In the meantime, I have learnt that pm-utils has now become superfluous and can be deinstalled, and so can acpi-support and acpi-support-base.

Thanks vbernat, mbiebl, and ah, on #debian-devel for all the help.

Posted Thu Sep 11 14:32:40 2014 Tags:

On relationships

Good relationships are like a good video game

with an easy, intuitive interface

and lots of interesting content.

(Lynoure)

Posted Wed Aug 6 16:47:40 2014 Tags:

On love and sexual desire

Soundtrack: Skullcrusher Mountain (with lyrics)

After seeing a review of it, I just watched again the first episode of Lupin III. with an eye on how sex and love are represented. To my eyes, they seem to be shown as mutually exclusive: the evil boss sexual appetites have Fujiko tied up and (childishly) "raped". Lupin's love of Fujiko is shown as self-sacrifice, with him ending up in Zenigata's cuffs, with him enduring her betrayal. In the end, Lupin's sexual desire for Fujiko seems to turn her again into a disadvantaged position, as the instrument of "rape" of the evil boss comes back into play.

In all the literature that I remember as I grew up, there has been love and there has been sexual desire. Love was wishing for the other person to be well, sexual desire was wishing for oneself to be well.

For some reason, in most of the literature there seemed to be an implicit rule saying that two people cannot both be well at the same time. Love meant being soulless and devoting oneself to the other person entirely, and suffering from it. Sexual desire meant reducing the other person as an object of one's own pleasure, and (usually she) would suffer from it.

Sometimes two people loved each other and wished for both to be well at the same time, and were usually torn away by circumstances, or had to suffer and sacrifice a lot so that they could be together, or one of them would die, for extra drama. What being together meant, was usually not covered in the story, and tended to happen during that "happily ever after" that usually starts where the book or film ends.

Yet, I find that sex is a wonderful way for two people to be both happy at the same time, where I can desire my happiness and the other person's happiness, and where each feeling, each desire, each move contributes to both. In pleasing myself I please the other; in pleasing the other I please myself.

Is there a romantic story where the lovers do not just feel love, but also they long for, they desire each other? Where that desire is shown not by hitting the partner in the head with a club and dragging them to wake up tied up in a secret lair, but by inviting their partner to come closer, kissing them, holding them tight to their body, caressing them, discovering what gives them pleasure, opening up for them to play, each person riding their own, the other's, and their shared desire?

I cannot think of one. It sounds like I'll have to write one.

With my own life.

Posted Tue Jul 22 17:40:36 2014 Tags:

Abuse

I've recently spent a lot of effort trying to find, recover, reconnect, embrace, strengthen and grow my inner child, my actual identity, what I'm comfortable being. Now I figure that I feel abused when I perceive an assault against my identity.

I'm ok having had to study a shallow moralistic piece of literature at school. Having been expected to like it and embrace it, that feels like abuse.

I'm ok being told I made a mistake. Being humiliated for it, feels like abuse.

I'm ok being suggested how to avoid making a mistake. But being expected to promptly follow the advice and change my life accordingly, that feels like abuse.

Someone offers help in cleaning my house? Fine. Someone barges in, takes over my personal space and reshapes it as they see fit? That feels like abuse.

If I'm sad, a hug's great. If the hug comes with a surprise grope at my bottom, that feels like abuse. I would not be bothered about the sexual assault, but about the denial of my current state of mind. The denial of feelings. Forget who you are, how you feel, and just be my sexual object. When it begins to deny my identity, then it starts feeling like abuse.

Being taught that "when you love a person, you must..." feels like abuse.

Being expected to have sex and like it at another person's whim, regardless of my real feelings, feels like abuse.

Being expected to like to have sex, or not like to have sex, regardless of my real feelings, feels like abuse.

The concept of "marital duty" feels like abuse. Two people who are expected to demand and provide sex, just because they are married, regardless of what they actually feel or need.

The concept of "training your boyfriend" sounds to me like nonconsensual manipulation. Like Abuse.

A lot of dating advice? Abuse. Abuse. Abuse.

A relationship based on me faking my identity, in order to keep another person close to me who wouldn't be otherwise, sounds to me like a relationship based on mutual abuse.

Why do we even have the concept of love potions in our culture, in our fairy tales?

"For your own good", abuse. Luckily, there are alternatives.

Being called "nice boobies" when you want to be called "Elizabeth", feels to me like abuse.

Being called "geek" when you want to be called "Enrico", feels to me like abuse.

Being called a stereotype when I want to be recognised as an individual, feels like abuse. When I grow up in an environment where that is the accepted way of addressing people, and so I learn to do the same, then I feel abused and I'm taught to abuse.

I think I had some pretty abusive role models when I grew up.

Being asked to do something I don't want to? Fine. Telling me off because I do not like it? Abuse.

Despising me because I like something another person doesn't? Abuse.

Despising me because I don't like something another person likes? Abuse.

As a kid I quickly had to learn to figure out what a person liked or disliked, and pretend accordingly. To this day, I still have a problem answering the simple question "what would you like to do today?"

It feels like abuse when my identity is denied. When I cannot make mistakes. When I cannot be vulnerable. When I have to be happy. When I have to be sad. When I have to care. When I must not care. When it doesn't matter how I feel, who I am, but I just have to feel something, like something, be something.

For my own good. Because someone else knows better. Because "that's the thing you do". Because.

When I was a kid, I felt very uncomfortable when going to a carnival or to a theme park, because I felt an expectation to enjoy it, regardles of what I was really feeling. An effort was made to make me happy so I had to. It was a place where I was not free to have my own mood. Abuse.

The doctor would touch, knock, hit, tell me to do this or that, but would never ask me how I was feeling. He would tell me how I was feeling, and he must have been right. Abuse.

There was lots of abuse against my identity in my growing up. I had to learn to blend in to protect myself. I had to learn to please. I had to pretend I liked it all. I got good at pretending.

In order to be accepted as a person I needed to pretend to be someone else. And the person that ended up being accepted was not me.

In "A Wizard from Earthsea", Ged turns into a falcon to run away, but stays a falcon for too long, and forgets how to be a person again. The wizard Ogion turns him back by recognising him, accepting him, and speaking only one word: Ged's name.

I feel abused when I'm taken away from my identity, my feelings, my needs. I could even do that to myself, out of frustration, out of despair, out of habit.

I have started to recognise the moments when I'm not feeling abused, the people who accept me for what I am, there and then, who allow me to exist without judging me. I have started to accept all other moments as likely abuse attempts, and emotionally deal with them accordingly.

I have started to become conscious of when I'm abusing myself (this has been an interesting read), and stop, and ask myself why.

Posted Sat Jun 21 14:38:12 2014 Tags:

Fear of losing

If I am afraid of breaking my laptop, then I may leave it at home, and it will be as if I didn't have a laptop.

If I am afraid of losing faith, then I may closely follow the dictates of the church. I will be keeping the church's faith, but not mine.

If I am afraid of losing my children, they may have to run away from me to be free to grow into adults.

If I am afraid of losing my inner child, then I might not expose it to the world, and so my inner child will never live. I will just be a box, a mask of what the world expects from me, that shelters and cages the Me that would like to live.

If I am afraid of losing you, then I may get obsessed with preserving the beautiful image I have of you. I may stop seeing, experiencing you as you live, think, grow. I may become afraid of your depth, of your being different each day, of your being alive. I may end up with cherishing a perfect image of you in my head, while you will have become a stranger to me.

I am really asking when I can accept answers.

I am really living when I can accept myself.

I am really loving when I can accept you.

Posted Mon Jun 16 09:21:52 2014 Tags:

Perfection

We like perfection.

Perfection is the ultimate achievement, there is nothing beyond.

Perfection is fully understood. It is not going to change, it is fact, we can rely upon it.

Perfection is final. Perfection is death.

Ideas can be perfect, and perfect ideas are easy to understand.

Perfect ideas are final and unchangeable. Perfect ideas are hard to correct, hard to refute.

Perfect ideas spread easily. They are helpful. They shed light on a little corner of our world, give it shape. They bring stability. They can be relied upon. Perfect ideas make good memes.

Perfect ideas are shared standards through which we act, interact, coordinate, cooperate. They don't change, so they are a solid base for habits, that make a bit of our life a little easier.

That we should not kill, is a perfect idea. So is racism. So are the ten commandments, so, for many, is love.

Thanks Lynoure for saying the right thing at the right time.

Posted Wed Jun 4 22:53:37 2014 Tags:

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